I came into Girly’s life only a few months after she turned two. Hubs and I made it a point to get to know each other for a few weeks first before we got all blendy-blendy with our children. Once we did, I came to love her as if I had given birth to her myself.

2005

She is a wonderfully smart and funny girl. She is a girl through and through and I was so looking forward to watching her grow up into a beautiful young woman. The thought of not seeing her and being part of her life, it’s almost like Hubs has died all over again.

She has a friend (one of my bestie’s daughters) who came up to me at church last weekend and said, “I miss your daughter.”

2010

All I could say was “Me too, me too.”

Etta James – At Last

Hubs and I went through song after song after song looking for our wedding song. Then we found it. This. Was. It. I am thankful for her time here on earth and for a song that will always bring me back to one of my favorite memories: My first dance with my husband at our wedding.

It’s almost ironic that her passing came only one day prior to my wedding anniversary. Thank you for the memories Etta, you will be remembered fondly.

I’m really good at avoiding my grief. I’m a doer… a crafter… a cleaner… an organizer. Anything that makes me feel accomplished at the end and anything that doesn’t make me feel what I feel when I allow the silence to creep in.

However, this broken drain was, ironically, the one thing that broke me down.

My home is nearly 12 years old. I have been the sole owner and haven’t been the BEST when it comes to details such as this. The toe stopper is broken and that drain in the photo should unscrew.

At first, it was just a challenge to overcome. Something to hide behind so I didn’t have to face my grief. However as the day wore on, the drain wore me down and forced me to get real honest.

I begged the drain to budge. I cried to God for strength (yep, I prayed over the drain to move.) and I received silence. What started as little pleas and a small bit of tears became a flood and the mournful wail of a wife missing her husband. Cold, angry cries out to God screaming: THIS ISN’T FAIR – THIS ISN’T MY JOB and I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO FIX THIS DRAIN. I could no longer hide behind home projects. The flood of heartbreak as I missed my husband overwhelmed me and for a few moments I couldn’t move from the inside of the tub as the sobbing held me down. “Please…,” I begged not really sure at that point what I was asking for.

I finally got up and finished my “good cry” in bed. Once it was over, I was weary and sad but strangely felt better. It had been weeks since I had let go and let God really hear how I was feeling. He knows already but it’s in that confession that I freed myself for that moment.

Let loose.. let go.. let God.

I’m reminded each month since my husband’s death of my ability to still have children. Cranky PMS, menstrual cramps and the regular “gift” each month – the wonderful reminder that if I am honest, I have previously cherished, because it reminds me of my potential ability to bring life into the world.

However, the last four months have not been the most celebratory of days as this gift has been delivered. Now, those of you that know me already know that Hubs and I were very fickle when it came to whether or not we were going to have children together. He, having been married previously (and assuming that he’d be married to her forever), took steps to insure that they wouldn’t have any more (she already had 3, they had 1 together). So for us to undergo this would require that he have that teeny operation reversed. He would rub my belly and whisper, “We should have a baby.” Sometimes he was serious… sometimes he was just fishing to see what I would say. As time went on, he and I just simply accepted the fact that we weren’t going to have children together.

This photo was taken after I was told congratulations by a stranger in a bookstore. I wasn’t pregnant but was obviously slouching too much:

Now that he’s gone, this mother’s heart aches for a child that deep down I think I really wanted to give him. Each month this “gift” arrives as a reminder that he and I will never have a child together and that just hurts. “Did I squander my time with him?,” I ask sometimes. “Should I have pushed forward harder when we were both in baby-mode?”

I’ll never know.

I didn’t sleep the night before. Everything was pretty much done by me with some help from my mother in law, my friend K and others. We made flowers, the centerpieces, the boutonnieres and the favors. We were up until 3a.m. the morning of my wedding putting hershey kisses in the bags.

I got my hair done and in true fashion of procrastination, I went into Tar-get to pick up a necklace and earrings to match my dress.

As the hour approached, I thought I would throw up. I stood outside the sanctuary with my dad a complete mess. I think I even said, “I feel like I’m going to throw up.” We walked down the hall, turned the corner, the doors opened and that was it. I was on my way to be a wife.

I don’t remember looking at anyone but him. We locked eyes and the first thing he said to me was, “Wow.” I will never forget that.

I cried during the vows, put his ring on the wrong hand and practically ran out of the chapel with him when our pastor (who we found out later was conducting his VERY FIRST wedding) pronounced us husband and wife.

We had our reception, met family, hugged loved ones and anticipated our first night together as husband and wife.

Our marriage was hard work. Hard. At times I didn’t know if we’d make it however before he died I felt as if we were the luckiest people in the world for having survived some brutal times. We spent our fifth anniversary in Disneyland and planned to spend our sixth in New York city. Oh how I loved our new tradition of traveling every year.

This anniversary, I am no longer a wife and I pray and fight daily to maintain a relationship with my beautiful Girly. Both identities that, if I am honest, I feel were stolen from me by death. However, despite that, I feel it is appropriate to celebrate the life I had with my beloved husband and I will do just that. I plan to travel with one of my besties and my son to the place where we spent our fifth anniversary. Disneyland. While I am there to participate in a race, I plan to make it a tribute to the man who loved me the most on this planet. The man who knew every secret I have and the one who adored me in spite of them.

Happy Anniversary Husband.

Going backwards from my “farewell” post the first post spoke about where my family had been in 2010. In similar fashion, here’s where my family was during 2011:

In January 2011 Hubs and I continued our tradition of traveling on our anniversary, for our 2nd year we went to Disneyland!

In March 2011 Girly went on her very first horseback ride and got a room-makeover!

Closet Before

Closet After

In April 2011 Hubs took his first trip to India

In May 2011 I celebrated the completion (over 1 year) of a Step-Program at my church!

In June 2011 Hubs, Girly and I took our hot little selves down to the river and rafted with some friends!

In July 2011 I completed my first half-marathon with one of my best pals and we took a trip to California!

AND (July was a big month for us!)

Girly got a new grill! (AND! We were able to pay cash due to all of our debt being paid off and saving up!)

Then… in September 2011… Hubs passed away and I lost not only my husband, but my Girly as well when her mother decided to keep her from seeing me.

Needless to say the photo taking and celebrating took a nose-dive.

October 2011 I ran another 5k & The Boy got his braces off.

November 2011 The Boy and I (in trying to do new things) went to our first University Homecoming Game

December 2011 Brought our first Christmas without Hubs & Girly.

To say that 2011 was bad would be incorrect. The year as a whole wasn’t bad, there was so much good that came – even after the tragic loss of Hubs. Is my view of it tinted now? Absolutely. I’m hopeful though, that through the tears that there will continue to be joy and goodness that comes in light of the tragedies experienced.

Until next time…..

Overwhelmed by life and all it’s ups and downs, I had to give up something and I gave up blogging. I set my expectations for myself way too high and when I failed to meet some basic “rules” I had laid down at the first of 2011 I gave up. It was nice, in a way, because I then didn’t put this pressure on myself to perform a certain way. I just did other things.

Now, life circumstances, which will be publicly posted in tomorrow’s post have brought me to this place where I feel like I want to tell my story. The good, the bad and the incredibly ugly. Without any sort of real format.. where do I begin?

I likely won’t post daily all of the time and I won’t post more than once a day. I appreciate feedback, however, like “mama always says” If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

So, hello again from It’s Our Journey… It’s good to be back!

I am not sure that blogging is my thing and while it’s been a good avenue for being able to speak what’s on my mind – I realize the danger in putting EVERYTHING out there for everyone to read. So, my options are make it private or just let it go. It’s a wiser decision for me to just let it go.

I’ve had a blog since 2007 and it’s been fun with my one loyal reader (thanks CB!).

I may do it again some day but for now, I must bid you adieu!

In January 2010 Hubs and I began a tradition of traveling on our anniversary, for our first year we went to Seattle, Washington.
In May 2010 I completed my first (and possibly last, lol) triathlon. By far the scariest/hardest/best experiences of my life.
In June 2010 I started a 12-step program at my church. By far the scariest/hardest/best experiences of my life. (One that is carrying into 2011!)
In August 2010 Our custody schedule with my step-daughter finally changed to a more equitable schedule. An answer to a 6 year prayer!
In September 2010 I began taking classes at UNLV (Big Girl College) to complete my Bachelor’s in Psychology.
In October 2010 Our marriage began restoration with counseling.

Stay tuned for our goals for 2011!

Rule #2: I cannot use my blog as a witch session. (You get my drift.) There are two sides to every story – however, my side doesn’t necessarily need to be broadcast to the public!

Rule #3: Post at least 2x’s a week! This whole 30 days without a post (while ironic) is not coolio!

Rule #4: Decide by June 2011 if blogging is something I can truly maintain.

That’s it! Welcome to 2011!